In Slabovia there are only twelve state approved jobs. These are decided on at birth, and are binding for life.
The State-approved jobs are as follows:
Pig Polisher
The Pig Polisher’s job is to make sure that all State-approved Slabovian pigs are kept nice and shiny. After all, a shiny pig is a more productive pig. Pig polishing is an art passed down from generations of master pig polishers. To the untrained eye it may appear as simple as adding some polish to a cloth and rubbing it on a pig. But in reality, this craft takes many years to learn and perfect. Punishment for having a non-shiny pig is pretty severe.
Tractor Wheel Scraper
Mud on your tractor wheel is a severely punishable offence. That is why there are dedicated Tractor Wheel Scrapers. Scraping mud or ice - or even blood - from a tractor wheel requires dedication, patience and a steady hand. This is a job too important for tools, so Tractor Wheel Scrapers use their bare hands. The brave men and women who fulfil this role are honoured to do so.
Sludge Mixer
Sludge is crucial to the Slabovian economy. It is Slabovia’s greatest asset and would be its greatest export if it wasn’t for these pesky trade sanctions. Mixing sludge to the correct consistency is crucial as State-approved sludge is heavily regulated, and must pass stringent guidelines. Only The General and State-approved Sludge Mixers know the secret recipe for Slabovian sludge.
Potato Licker
Un-licked potatoes are a health hazard and should not be consumed at any time. Professional Potato Lickers are specially trained to lick potatoes in order to attain optimum State-approved hygiene and flavour. Anyone found consuming un-licked potatoes will face severe punishment. Only authorised potato lickers are permitted to lick potatoes, as there are strict guidelines on how a potato should be licked.
Pickle Inspector
Pickle Inspectors are some of the most Cerebral Slabovians. The process of Pickling and Adding Brine is a complicated scientific procedure. The expression 'in a pickle' derives from instances of Pickle Inspectors whose minds have been corrupted by thinking too much.
Plough Puller
Plough Pullers are responsible for pulling ploughs. A large proportion of their time is spent preparing ploughs to compete in Plough Championships in Slabovia. 100% of Plough Pullers are single due to the high demands of the job.
Mud Watcher
Mud Watchers keep a watchful eye on Slabovia's vast reserves of mud. Mud watchers are always alert for any suspicious or unpatriotic mud. They must take regular breaks to guard against occurrences of 'Mudeye'. This is an occupational hazard where the unfortunate worker can see only a vast expanse of brown mud.
Tractor Pusher
The men and women who make up Slabovia's Tractor Pushing workforce are a notoriously hardy and single-minded workforce. They are required to push heavy machines in all weather conditions. Disputes between Plough Pullers and Tractor Pushers are common and are resolved by both groups of workers being shot.
Tongue Shaver
Potato Lickers work in tandem with Tongue Shavers. Their role requires removing any build up of residue on the tongues of Potato Lickers, maintaining the high standards of licked potato production Slabovia prides itself in. Divorce rates amongst Tongue Shavers are amongst the highest in Slabovia.
Trotter Trimmer
Trotter Trimmers are responsible for ensuring that pigs' trotters meet the State-approved length. Pigs with unsightly trotters are repulsive and unpatriotic. Trotter Trimmers are excellent communicators who enjoy speculating about holidays.
Rock Counter
Since the first State-approved Slabovian Rock Census in the 13th century there have been many recounts with more or less the same results. Slabovian scientists are convinced a pattern will emerge that will prove some rocks hibernate in the winter. Rock Counters are down to earth people who fear nothing apart from losing count.
Unemployed
Being unemployed is the hardest working and most productive profession in Slabovia. Unemployed go to work early in the morning and often work late. The work is varied although they always take some time out to scratch themselves and shout obscenities at the sky. Citizens cannot apply to become Unemployed – this is a hereditary profession handed down through generations.